Hell is a Place on Earth

And I drive through it everyday. Yes, Colombo should be renamed ‘Hell’. Except it’s only Hell when you’re driving on its pot-hole ridden, demon infested roads.

Before I clue you in on what I mean by demon infestation, let me draw your attention to the roads of Colombo. Being the main city in Sri Lanka (though soon to be abandoned for Hambantota, which is probably why Mr. President doesn’t seem too concerned about it), if we aren’t being scorched by blazing rays of the sun penetrating the car’s shutters, we are inching our cars through submerged roads praying the water is at a level below the car’s engine.

Extreme whether and bad drainage systems contribute to making Colombo hellish.

Now, on to the demon infestation; drivers in Sri Lanka are iddy biddy demons! And they have the ability to rope you into their demon-ness. I say this because before I used to drive, foul language was never a part of my vocabulary.

I was a typical happy-go-lucky, heel-clicking, cool tempered, patient pedestrian. However, this changed after I got behind the wheel. I still don’t swear out loud but after about half and hour of navigating through dense traffic only to cover a distance of 1 meter, the gears in my brain will mechanically switch to demon-mode. While yelling profanities in my head, I will drive bumper to bumper to prevent anyone from trying to sneak a head of me and in very extreme cases I will use the car’s horn.

So, I understand that demons are made. We are all the cucumbers of cool, driven over the edge and into the depths of fire and brimstone by someone who is just careless, having a bad day or is simply a moron. It’s the ‘domino effect’, all it takes is one little chilli pepper to set it off.

So here’s a bit of advice to all of you travelling around Colombo. Keep this in mind and Colombo will be a bubbly city filled with happy people.

To all the pedestrians-

I know what it’s like footing it in the blistering heat or buckets of pouring rain. Which is why when I’m behind the wheel, I stop at the crossing-line to speed up your beeline to your destination. I don’t appreciate you rushing along a main road with no crossing-line when you can clearly see that I’m driving very very fast, forcing me to hit the brakes . You aren’t only risking your life but mine as well.

Oh and people on the Paliyagoda road- which is wide but poorly lit, this is for you in particular; and why do you all insist on garbing yourselves completely in black at night?… It doesn’t help. I’d recommend reflective neon orange.

To all the cyclists-

You are welcome to occupy the centre of the main road if you can peddle at 60 Km/h. If you can’t please stick to the far left side of the road.

To all the bikers-

You do not own the road. Go ahead and creep in through the gaps between vehicles and gather at the traffic light like a swarm of gnats over a fresh cow pat, just don’t do it when vehicles are mobile.

To all the tuk-tuk drivers-

Damn you all to the Nether World!

To all the bus drivers-

You is big. I is little. If you crash into me, I’ll be a car-shaped pancake that will require being scooped off the road with a spatula. DO NOT swerve around like you own the blooming road! There are other vehicles around you.

Also, please refrain from stalling in the middle of the road to allow a passenger to climb abode while streams of others take the opportunity to pour into the road and scurry through the traffic like cockroaches.

Drivers of cars, van, pick-ups and well, all other vehicles, including those mentioned above-

• If you feel like cruising, please stay off the fast lane.
• If you’re turning into a lane, please signal in the RIGHT direction that you wish to turn into and do it BEFORE you take that turn.
• If you are not turning into the lane that I take to get home, don’t blooming drive on that lane till the traffic light turns red and then casually push off into the next lane and drive along while I’m stuck at the traffic lights. I will hunt you down and kill you, slowly and painfully.

Right, well I hope I haven’t left anything out… Till next time, happy travelling!

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