I’m a miserable wreck…

I’m a wreck.

I’m worried sick about my friends… There’s the one I’ve blogged about in Guys- The scum of the earth, I’ll be referring to her as Candy and another who got so emotionally involved in the problem that he’s now become a part of it… I’ll be referring to him as G.

My life is relatively trouble free, so I’m more than willing to shoulder the problems of my friends. My mom and several of my friends have told me that I’m ruled by my mind (as oppose to my heart). I rarely find myself in sticky situations ’cause I analyse everything, figure out all possible out comes and make the best decision, regardless of how I may feel about the choice…

So far this has worked well. I’m able to figure out the best course of action and advise my friends. They do as I suggest and it all works out! Simple!

But this was different. Candy was in a rebelling-phase… and to add to that she was following her heart.

I told her what I thought about the whole thing and what I felt would be best for her to do, keeping in mind that Candy is an adult and is free to make her own life’s decisions. As a friend, I will stay beside her in whatever decision she makes and be there for her if things go wrong.

G on the other hand, traded in the role of “friend” for “big brother/ father”… He got so involved in the problem that he gained a few enemies and ended up hurting himself.

Friday saw a horrible confrontation… unpleasantries were hurled, tears were shed and a host of bitter emotions were stirred. With that I thought it was over and done with! But I was proved wrong when it erupted again on Saturday night…

I’m worried about the both of them… I’ll be away from them for the next three weeks… I hope they don’t do anything they’ll regret…

Apart from that… I’m worried about my baby brother… and I’m worried for myself… I’m in that spot again…

And… I’m sad… I’ll be interning at a TV station for the next two weeks… I’ll be there all by myself… My friends will be interning at the same newspaper publication so they’ll be together… We won’t even be able to meet up… I’ll be miles and MILES away from them… and the weekends won’t work ’cause they’ll be working on Saturdays…

And I’m heart broken.

Yeah… for someone who is emotionally detached beyond average, I’m a miserable wreck!

Well perhaps the ALL STARZ finals would be a good distraction… I’m covering it for a magazine I write for and I’ll be there with some of my other friends… hopefully I won’t be sullen and ruin it for everyone.

Stay clear away!

Was fine this morning… That is until I reached college. The moment I stepped into the building my mind switched gears into demonic mode! I instantly became a completely different person!
I lost my temper… releasing that pent up frustration actually made me feel a bit better…
But that’s the catch when it comes to bottling things up… eventually, you WILL explode.

Figured the best way to keep from going supernova would be to leave. So I feigned being sick (wasn’t too hard considering I’ve got a bad case of the flu).
Did it help? I dunno… maybe… I’m back now… would have much rather not returned…but didn’t really have a choice.

So here I am… I can sense the demon of frustration cropping it’s ugly head once again. I’m SODDING TRAPPED!!!

I want to hurt someone… not physically… guess it can be emotionally… I think it will make me feel better… Just rip someone’s heart out, stomp on it, tie it to a vehicle and drive over a gravelly road (with extra sharp stones), nail it to a wall and fling darts at it and then toss it into a pit with a horde of ravenous wild beast in it…

Penned this in the car while heading out… it’s a bit crude but I don’t give a damn!

Bubbling, frothing, seething anger,
The words that escape me are dripping with malice.
Cast like unholy abhorrent arrows
They Inflict excruciating, merciless pain
On anyone within range!

Sigh… it’s amazing how alone you can feel even while you’re surrounded by people…

I don’t want to be here anymore… I want out.

Beyond Caring!

I actually happen to be a very tolerant person. I can put up with all sorts of crap people dish out.

It’s just a matter of suppressing your emotions, bottling it up and burying it somewhere in some dark, boondocksy corner of your mind. If you’ve got anything to say, even if it’s your side of the story, just keep it to yourself, ’cause bringing it up is as good as poking a rabid wild boar with a toothpick! It’s just going to aggravate things! Just swallow your pride and tell whoever it is, that they are right and you’re wrong, and just move on!

It’s just my effing disposition to want to please everybody! I just want everyone to be happy even if it’s at my cost. And I can’t take people being mad at me. I know I screw up at times! And in which cases I will genuinely apologise and go out of my way to remedy whatever it was I screwed up! ‘Cause I honestly feel bad!

And while this works…in the sense that everyone is happy, I’ve come notice that people tend to walk all over me, use me or just prey on my weakness using it for emotional blackmail.  Do I learn my lesson? No! I just brush it off while reassuring myself that “they didn’t really mean it”… all people are nice, they just have mean moments at times, it’s only human so you’ve got to forgive them. I’m in good terms and I still help out someone from back in school who used me twice and stabbed me in the back several times. No, I haven’t forgotten… ’cause it hurt too much… but I have forgiven the person time and time again.

Bottom line is (while I refuse to unclench the idea of at least most people being “nice”), I’ve absolutely had it! I am beyond caring! I don’t give a damn! I’m tired. I’m tired of people. I’m tired of putting up with crap. You can turn a blind eye or give people the benefit of the doubt… just bottle it all up. But eventually, it begins to eat away at you and when your mind is threatening to burst with bottles of bitter emotions and your heart has been squeezed of all it’s got, your world comes crashing down on you… You just crumble… and it doesn’t help that your day sucked either… All you want is someone to tell you that it’s okay… or curl up in some dark corner, cuddling your SpongeBob soft toy and NEVER EVER come out!

I don’t like airing out my emotions ’cause (well I’m not all that emotional to begin with) it just makes me feel weak. I’m a pro at sticking on that smile and pretending to be absolutely peachy! Wrote this ’cause I really needed a vent.

As for whether I will croak the Messiah of Madness… I am in two minds about it. I seem to be hopping back and forth… this afternoon I had reconsidered asphyxiating the blog and now I feel I might as well. Maybe I should just flip a coin!

skeletons in my closet

Effing paranoia!

Me (Yeah I know I suck at titling stuff!)

I have become that which I despise.

The worst experience, by far, has got to be waking up in the morning and realising that you are exactly everything to hate! You have become that person you roll your eyes at. You have become the person you scoff at. You have become the person you thought you were above.

You frantically try to think of ways in which you’re better but it’s futile. You know deep down that….YOU ARE “THAT PERSON”!

Then there’s acceptance… at least you’ve come to terms with it…

Any rational person would suggest, now that you are aware of the kinks in your personality, you should straigten them out. However, you don’t really want to change. Even though being this “person” will do more harm than good. It is…like an addiction…you need more… now that you’ve had a taste of it, there’s no turning back…you can’t live without these injurious traits.

Will the damage be long term? I don’t really know… and I don’t really care…

I tend to live for the moment! I will deal with the unpleasant consequences when they arise. (I can’t help feeling that I’ve just doomed myself!)

And then you’ve got a monstrous urge to do something rebellious. Something terrible. Something you know quite well that you should never ever so much as entertain in your mind.

Why?

After much deliberation, I’ve decided this… sort of… appetence for being rebellious… can be pinned down to either you wanting to seal it… seal/ celebrate/ self-inaugurate… the newly discovered you. Or (and this is more likely) you just want to do something that is far worse simply to distract your thoughts.

But then again, who gives a damn! Be whoever you want to be and hopefully people will accept you for who you are. If they have a problem with who you are, they can effing bugger off!

Argh! How can you block that gnawing feeling of guilt??!?!?!??!?!? Guilt ’cause you know you shouldn’t indulge in that!